I didn’t know Fiona Apple wrote the title of this episode!

Forgive the tardiness of this review – as I was writing it yesterday I lost power. On a 98 degree day in Los Angeles, the utility workers decided to work on our power lines and cut all power to our building. We ran to a Barnes & Noble for air conditioning. Fucking heat. This is some bullshit. All I want to do is wear boots and think about leaves, but I can’t do that because I am literally melting.

It’s cold in Lorelai’s house (lucky) – so cold her and Rory have to drink their coffee in front of the open oven. In town, Broody has screwed up a parade by pushing his crappy car through the middle of town. I mean, I guess it’s a parade. There have never been this many cars in Stars Hollow before this scene and the town has a population of 20, where did all these cars come from? Are they refugees from larger cities, desperate to escape the zombie apocolypse?

Luke gives Broody shit for blocking traffic, but really – how else is he supposed to get the car to the shop? A tow truck to take it to a place he can walk to in under 7 minutes is fucking ridiculous, especially if it’s 80 bucks. Even though he’s right to be anti-tow truck, Broody immediately reminds me why I couldn’t stand him last season – he’s a snarky abrasive asshole who has the unique talent of draining everyone around him of all the charitable/sympathetic feelings they may have for him.

Back at Lorelai’s, Lane helps Lorelai put bandages and saran wrap over the broken window. Rory is going “out” for the day, which we all know means “going to find Broody and stare at him until he notices her.” Judgy WASP Mom calls because her fundraising table is a few people short and this is apparently a crisis on the same level as the current refugee crisis in Europe. She insists that Lorelai brings someone to the dinner and then tells her not to dress like a whore. Lorelai wears some weird shit but she never looks like a Halloween refugee, though if she’d like to horrify her mother may I suggest this:

Sexy AND referencing her favorite beverage!

At Luke’s, his sister is selling earrings to her high school friend that Luke made out with. Query: If this lady still lives in Stars Hollow, why hasn’t she tried to get with Luke before now? It’s not like this is a sprawling city or it’s hard to find him.

I was listening to the Gilmore Guys podcast reviewing last episode and they had a really interesting point about the character of Liz. She’s been retconned. What we knew of Liz before this season was she was such a terrible mother that she didn’t even bother calling to see if Broody had gotten to Stars Hollow ok, or calling him during the holidays. She sounded like a monster. Now, she seems slightly spacey, which comes off as her & Broody just hit a regular teenage rough patch but she was never neglectful toward him. It’s a good theory. And it also makes me wonder if Liz’s weirdness was actually supposed to belong to a character from the Broody Goes to the Beach show.

Rory goes to Weston’s for some coffee. Broody’s there, too. They stare at each other and then Broody runs away screaming “OMG, A GIRL!!”

In town, Lorelai runs after Luke’s truck to find its being driven by his sister, who is a person who kind of sounds like Frenchie from Grease when she speaks. I love Grease. I first realized I loved men while watching Grease (John Travolta’s dark hair, blue eyes, leather jacket…SIGH). I didn’t understand it at the time but I knew that whatever was going on there was what I was into. I think I was 6?

As I aged, several friends informed me that of all the characters in the movie, I reminded them most of Rizzo. I used to be insulted. Now, I’m honored.

Lorelai asks Liz to pass a message on to Luke for her and Liz immediately assumes she must be Luke’s wife. Oh, sure, you’re his sister and he’s never bothered to introduce you to his WIFE or even show you a picture? That’s plausible.

They talk about how great Luke is and they make him sound like a fucking saint, which he’s not. He’s a good guy but…come on.

Lorelai and Rory then take advantage of Babette by “dropping by for a visit” when they’re really just cold and want to go somewhere warm. (Users, both of them.) Don’t you guys have a Barnes & Noble within driving distance? They (usually) have a Starbucks inside. (Usually – sometime they have a Barnes  Noble cafe SERVING Starbucks coffee. There is a difference. I used to work at Barnes & Noble and I’d sometimes do a shift or two in the cafe. I can’t tell you how pissed people get when you tell them that you aren’t a proper Starbucks so you don’t take their gift cards or carry that super special limited edition frappachino. Though I never made a lot at B&N, I LOVED working there.)

Rory tells Lorelai and Babette that she saw Broody in town. Babette calls him “that little bastard” and we all laugh. Everyone asks if Rory’s still stuck on him and she lies and says no. It’s ok, Rory. We’ve all been there.

Back at Luke’s, Liz is stealing all the diner’s food so she can make dinner for “her guys” – Luke and her new boyfriend. Notice how Broody isn’t included in that group. You’d think his own mother would want to send her son off on his next adventure with a full stomach and a few leftovers for the road. (And this is how I know no one in Luke’s family is Italian.) Liz has allowed her boyfriend to camp out in Luke’s place and use whatever he wants, which upsets Luke. Damn straight it does. This isn’t a fucking extended stay hotel! You don’t start cooking in someone else’s home without their express permission, and, if you were raised by my mother, you do not open anyone else’s fridge without asking, no matter how many times you’ve gone to their home.

As Luke is forced to sit at his own table and be treated as company, Broody walks in. It is this very instant that his mother thinks to feed her son. TJ, Liz’s dopey boyfriend, asks Broody to guess what “TJ” stands for. He says, simply, “no.” LOL. Up top, Broody. I have to give that to him, that was funny.

Broody leaves to go check on his car and Luke follows him. He wants to know what “they” are going to do about Liz’s dumb boyfriend. Broody, the voice of reason in this scene, says that they shouldn’t do anything because his mother couldn’t give less of a fuck about what either of them think. Luke is a fixer, so he doesn’t accept any situation in which he cannot make things better. And what’s strange about this is I typed that sentence before Broody tells Luke EXACTLY THE SAME THING.

He goes on to say that Luke makes it so people will inevitably fail him so he can be the martyr. I agree…most of the time. It really wasn’t a big ask to have Broody go to school and graduate, especially when he’s a smart as he is. That’s not a ridiculously high expectation. Other than that, he does have a point about Luke.

Later, Rory goes to the bookstore and finds Broody reading an Al Franken book. He sees her and runs away. Again.

Lorelai arrives at her house to find that Luke has a) gotten drunk, b) broken into her home via her bedroom window, and c) cut himself pretty severely because he’s trying to do handyman work with a blood alcohol level usually found in animated robots.

Luke tells Lorelai what happened with Broody. He’s pretty broken up about it because Broody was a complete asshole to him (though an asshole with some decent points!) It’s not that people don’t love Luke or that he shoves his nose in where it doesn’t belong, it’s that Luke feels he has to fix everything. Even things that don’t need – or cannot be – fixed. It’s how he relates to the world and how he shows people that he cares for them. Usually it’s not wrong, but it can feel overbearing when applied to things like his sister’s love life or Broody’s unquenchable thirst for his own self-destruction.

It also hurts Luke’s feelings because Luke and Broody love each other very much, even if they have no idea how to show it.

Once Luke is settled, Lorelai goes into town. She finds Broody and yells at him for being an ass to Luke. Broody, proving he’s not nearly as smart as we all thought, immediately assumes Lorelai is angry because of Rory.

That night, the girls go to Judgy WASP Mom’s fundraising event. Judgy WASP Mom is immediately pissed off because Lorelai brought Rory to the dinner instead of some random dude. Sorry you aren’t geed enough because you don’t have a penis, Rory. But don’t worry! Judgy WASP Mom has decided that Lorelai should “pretend” to date Digger, A Wadded Up Receipt That Got Left In A Pocket When The Pants It Was In Was Tossed Into The Washing Machine!  Yay for the most sitcom of sitcomy tropes! Is there a fancy dance and a hotel room with one bed in their future???

We get to meet the man who sired Digger, A Human Pile of Slugs. He’s about as warm and interesting as watching a white out in the Yukon. This sends Spacey Grandpa into a tizzy. Obviously, visiting a table means some scheme is underway so the men run off to strategize against The Threat.

Luke is sober and back at the diner. Dumb Boyfriend comes in and insists he come out to the festival. He does, he’s sexually harassed by drunk soccer moms, and then he goes to talk to his sister. She tells him thank you, Broody will be ok, and then gives him some of her jewelry to give to his “wife.” Right. Wife. The woman we never see and he never talks to or about. Cool.

He then tries to give the “I’m ok with you dating my sister” speech to Dumb Boyfriend and Dumb Boyfriend calls Luke a dick.

Then Lorelai comes over all pretty and dressed up and Luke is all “AWWOOOOGGGAAAHHHHH!!!” He gives the earrings meant for his wife (“or Lorelai, lol!”) to Lorelai and says they’re from Liz. Smooth.

Broody’s car is finally fixed. When he gets in it to leave, he pulls the visor down and money falls on him like he’s a stripper entertaining a big spender. He gets out of his car to go yell at Luke (presumably) but runs into Rory instead. She runs from him and they chase each other like this:

When they finally talk he says “I love you.” I’m sure a million girls swooned at that moment but I am an old woman so I just rolled my eyes. Bullshit. If he loved her, he would have told her that before he left. If he loved her, he would have said it when he called from Venice. If he loved her, HE WOULD HAVE SAID GOODBYE.

Once, when I was younger, I had to leave my college town due to some very shitty circumstances. The only reason I had stayed in this college town was because I was “in love” with this guy who wanted nothing to do with me (I was too fat and too tall and too ugly and too a million other things that made me “not enough”.) When I said goodbye to him, I told him I loved him. You know what happened? Nothing. That’s usually what happens. But at least I said it before I left, not a year after when I showed up out of the blue.

This is very annoying.