Huh. That sure is a title for an episode.

Lorelai goes to Rory’s dorm room to meet her for dinner. It is there we get a glimpse of the Largest Bag of Chips Ever Made:

That thing puts Costco-sized bags of chips to shame. What it is, a bag for giants?

Side note – Paris and Doyle fuck three to four times a week? Good for you, Paris. Get it.

Again, Rory opts for cafeteria food, making yet another family member pay exorbitant prices for terrible to mediocre foodstuffs. GO TO A GOD DAMNED RESTAURANT, GUYS. It’s a college town, there are plenty of places that serve crap in case you’re worried you’ll be stuck with a salad or something. There has to be at least one place in town that was once featured on Man v. Food. Plus- I’m pretty sure those cups they’re carrying through the cafeteria are filled with fake liquid, like in one of those doll baby bottles that look like they’re filled with milk or OJ? Restaurants offer real beverages.

The girls talk about C-Money and his “IT WAS A MISUNDERSTANDING AND I DIDN’T REALLY MEAN TO SAY THAT LORELAI AND I ARE MEANT TO BE! LOL, Y’ALL TOOK THAT THE WRONG WAY! #JOKES!” email. Then they see Marty, who runs away from them because his heart hurts too much when he’s around Rory. I’m sure people rag on Marty for this, but I actually support this kind of behavior. When I was younger, I spent a lot of time pining over men who would never return my feelings. Finally, it dawned on me that I didn’t have to be friends with guys  I wanted to date.  A lot of people say this is an asshole way to be and maybe it is. Honestly, deciding not hang out with people as “friends” when I clearly wanted more was one of the best things I ever did for myself. It was a lot less stressful and cut back on the self-loathing.

When Rory corners Marty outside the coffee cart, he forgets the first rule of kicking unrequited love – ALWAYS SAY NO. He agrees to hang out with Rory and make himself feel like shit. The answer is always no, Marty. ALWAYS.

The next morning Lorelai is at Weston’s for coffee and she introduces herself to people in the bakery. Are there people who live in Stars Hollow who don’t know who Lorelai is? Is that even possible? Isn’t she like the queen of the town or at least their official mascot? Taylor devised a plan to divide the town in the event of a Luke/Lorelai breakup and she still needs to introduce herself to people?

Lorelai is shocked when she discovers that Luke took his boat out of her garage, but she decides not to worry about it and instead focus on dying beards for the third grade production of Fiddler on the Roof. It’s hard, as Luke didn’t even bother to shut her garage door after taking the boat, because he is a dick who enjoys being a dick to people. Since Lorelai will now be showing the inside of her garage to the whole town, she opts to paint it the same shade of Pepto Bismol pink used in bordellos and Barbie houses.

Dickhead has been drafted to build the sets on Fiddler on the Roof. There are also giant blocks of dialogue/songs that I assume are lifted right out of the play (I’ve never seen it). Was this done to pad the script? Did the script only hit 70 pages so she pulled blocks of text from another source to get it back up to the typical 80 pages this show churned out? Regardless of the why of Fiddler, Luke puts on his AngerRage hat when some little girl trips over her shoelace and he drives to Lorelai’s all pissed off. She’s in charge of the costumes and she hasn’t shown up at the school, which pisses him off. He stalks over to her to stab her to death in a fit of unbridled rage talk to her about the costumes. They fight about the boat, the garage, the costumes. They’re just pissed at each other and still raw from their breakup.

Back at Yale, Rory and Marty hang out. Everything is going great until fucking Smarmy the Life Ruiner shows up to ruin lives and destroy all that is good in the world. He invites both Rory and Marty to go with him and his asshole friends to get Chinese food. Rory wants to go, and Marty, dumb, stupid, idiotic Marty, who broke the ONE RULE of Dealing with Unrequited Love, goes with them. God damn it, Marty. YOU HAD ONE JOB! ONE! And you blew it. At least he got to eat dinner with Riki Lindhome?

I hope she left this dinner and went straight home to write this song:

When the bill comes, Marty (one of the Poors), discovers that he owes $75 for food he didn’t even want to eat. He goes to find an ATM but ends up just standing outside the restaurant, mentally dealing with the fact that he doesn’t have that much in his bank account. Rory gives him money, but she also gives him the knowledge that she’s more interested in hanging out with Smarmy and his monied buddies than she is in watching Marx brothers movies with him. This is why he should continue to stay away from her. Remember that “Say No to Drugs” campaign from way back? It’s like that, but with people.

When they get back to Rory’s dorm room Marty finally tells her he likes her. Rory tells him she likes Smarmy. Marty leaves after promising they’ll still be friends. I hope, for his sake, he’s lying about the friends thing and we never see him again.

Later, Smarmy shows up at Rory’s window BECAUSE HE’S A REBEL AND IS TOO COOL FOR DOORS! He enters and we can assume they fuck. Gross. (I’m still completely unconvinced that Rory has any real desire whatsoever for Smarmy.)

Meanwhile, Luke and Lorelai get to stand backstage and be awkward while Kirk sings about love with a child. This is enough to make Luke fantasize about murder, as we can see below:

I’m really glad extremely obvious lyrics from a musical makes these two idiots realize they love each other. Because they couldn’t have figured that out any other way!!