The episode’s title either means that there will be no wedding night (YAY!) OR it means that prostitution/a Red Light District will somehow be involved. I don’t judge anyone for what they do in their bedrooms (as long as all parties are consenting adults!) but that seems a little risqué for a wedding night. But if that’s what Lorelai/Discount Braff are into…

In the cold open Lorelai and Rory eat all the cake and we learn that the wedding is 2 weeks out. 2 weeks out and Lorelai hasn’t sent out invitations. Who waits until 2 weeks before the wedding to send out the invites besides someone who doesn’t want to get married? I know this show was made in the early aughts but it’s not like the U.S. Mail was some sort of supersonic delivery service that made letters appear overnight. This isn’t fucking Harry Potter – no magical owl is going to swoop in and be all, “HOO HOO! Wedding invite, bitch!”

There’s a lack of planning, is what I’m saying.

OH! FLOPPY MADE IT INTO THE INSTAGRAM CREDITS! Good for you, Flops!

Discount Braff is going to stay the weekend (for the first time??? WHAT?) and Lorelai thinks it would be awesome to go on a double date with her 16-year-old daughter and her daughter’s boyfriend.

Right? Like…is that a thing? That shouldn’t be a thing.

That night, Discount Braff makes dinner using the oven and the girls act like those apes in 2001: A Space Odyssey when that rectangle shows up. You can’t fool me, show – Lorelai has made tater tots in that oven. I remember!

In the morning they go to Luke’s where his forearms are on display. I do not know how Lorelai doesn’t jump him right there – flannel, forearms, and he’s carrying a coffee pot? He is truly a walking fantasy.

He gets all riled up over Stars Hollow’s first traffic light and Lorelai takes that opportunity to ask if he’s coming to her FarceWedding. He doesn’t answer because he’s seen the next few scripts and he knows there will be no wedding. I hope.

Lorelai and Rory go on their weird 4-way date with the two idiots. The two idiots sit down and have a “man to man” about the girls like they’re peers and not an experienced grown ass man and a fucking teenage boy who doesn’t know anything about life because he’s 16. Not that 16-year-olds are dumb – they aren’t. But they aren’t the first ones a 30-something should ask for advice about adult relationships. When you’re 16, you think as long as you have love everything will be ok. It doesn’t dawn on you until you’re older and have been around for a while that love is great but it sure won’t last if you don’t have the same priorities or values.

Side note – FLOPPY AND DISCOUNT BRAFF ARE WEARING SHIRTS MADE OF THE SAME FABRIC IN DIFFERENT COLORS. Observe:

After eating all the things, everyone heads home. Floppy and Rory stay on the porch to discuss how Floppy gets his hair to flop. Lorelai and Discount Braff get into a fight about how Discount Braff has no “role” in raising Rory. Lorelai actually says that Rory is “done” and already raised so he shouldn’t worry. Oh, Lorelai. You sweet summer child.

I was unsure about Lorelai taking Rory to a club…but then it was revealed that it’s a fucking DRAG SHOW and I’m conflicted. On the one hand – DRAG. SHOW. I love drag. I love drag queens. I wish I were a drag queen! I’ve watched every single season of RuPaul’s Drag Race as they aired, even the early seasons with the vaseline smeared across the lens. Drag is amazing and creative and a true god damned art form that deserves more credit than it gets.

On the other hand – this is just a bunch of straight women (and Michele) invading a gay space for a bachelorette party. There have been a lot of articles written about straight women treating gay bars like some sort of kitschy entertainment space instead of respecting the fact that gay bars are designed to be spaces for LGBT folks to feel comfortable.

On the last hand – it’s the early 2000s, I’m sure none of this was taken into consideration.

Rory gets into the club and guess who is waiting for them? JUDGY WASP MOM. She regales them all with a story about how she would try on her wedding dress every night for a week and feel safe. You can tell that Lorelai is realizing she doesn’t do this.

Touched by Judgy WASP Mom’s story, everyone calls their significant other. Lorelai calls C-Money. I honestly had no idea who he was when he first came on the screen and I thought he was Discount Braff’s secret gay lover (which would have been awesome.)

The next day Discount Braff shows up at the inn to yell at Lorelai about keys. She hasn’t given him a set yet because she doesn’t want to marry him! This is made even more clear when Luke shows up at her house with a hand-carved chuppah. He carved it after he saw a picture of it in a book. HE MADE HER A GIANT GAZEBO THING WITH A HAND-CARVED GOAT ON IT.

Lorelai breaks down and tells Rory she can’t marry Discount Braff because she didn’t want to try her wedding dress on every night for a week. If putting on your wedding dress every night for a week is a pre-req for getting married, I would not have made it down that aisle. It doesn’t mean I wasn’t 100% certain that I wanted to marry my husband. However, in this case, it’s as good a reason as any. Just as long as Lorelai finally realizes that this wedding is shit on a fucking shingle.

She and Rory throw a bunch of shit in the car for a “road trip” but they get stopped at the one red light in town. That’s where the episode ends.

I hope next episode is the end of the “Will Lorelai marry Discount Braff (don’t answer that because we all know the answer is no)?” plot line.