SEASON FIVE!!! So close, yet so far away. When I started this project in January of 2015, I had hoped to review the entire series by the end of the year. That’s not going to happen. BUT! But – I did get to season 5. ACCOMPLISHMENT!

Let’s get into season 5 – will Lorelai and Luke actually have a relationship? Will Rory realize what an ass she was by fucking a married Floppy?

Oh, I guess not – we’re opening this season with Rory and Floppy professing their love for each other.

Dude. You guys just banged. Not banged after a prolonged period of romantic entanglement, not dated for a long time and finally took it to pound town, but banged after not having any contact with each other for the majority of the season. And suddenly y’all are in love? This is some NONSENSE.

We get a recap of how everything went down, including how Rory, who is crying very unconvincingly, doesn’t want to talk to Lorelai. I guess that’s supposed to be an “OH SHIT BUT THEY ARE SO CLOSE AND THEY ALWAYS TALK AND WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW???” moment. I’m not feeling it. My heart, she is too dead and cold to experience feelings.

Over at the Elder Gilmore household, Judgy WASP Mom is so pissed off that she slaps a plant. Please, enjoy a screencap of what is possibly the best moment of this show to date:

She informs Spacey Grandpa that she will be going to France where she will drink two glasses of wine at lunch like a prostitute. Spacey Grandpa immediately dies from shock and the ghosts of Repressed TV Wives Past float out of the floor to slap Emily some high fives.

After Spacey Grandpa is reanimated, he lumbers out of the basement and (accidentally? Probably on purpose?) locks Judgy WASP Mom down there. (Watch Casual on Hulu to see this scene played out again, just with a garage instead of a basement.) To escape, she crawls out of a window, sans skirt.

There’s more fighting, the security patrol shows up, and Judgy WASP Mom finally tells him that she’s not the woman he married because he treated the woman he married like an equal and not an annoyance. (Also, Spacey Grandpa tells the security people to shoot them or go away. Uh….)

Back at the Inn, Luke is worried that Lorelai seems distracted. Did she not like their kiss? Did she not like staring at the scoop neck collar he’s wearing that’s just wide enough to get a tantalizing glimpse of shoulder and collarbone? Did she not like how fucking broad his shoulders are, how narrow his waist…

Sorry. Were we talking about something other than broad, broad shoulders? It’s better than talking about Kirk’s ass thorns.

Then we’re treated to a lovely scene of Floppy verbally attacking Britney Spears circa 2000. She has the audacity to offer him brownies and ask him if he’ll be home for dinner the next night…and then she told him that she ANSWERED HIS PHONE WHEN IT RANG. HEAVEN FORFEND! HOW COULD YOU DO SOMETHING SO AWFUL TO YOUR HUSBAND???? (Full disclosure – I have answered my husband’s phone precisely one time without him asking me to do so. He was getting a chemo treatment and some dude he knew kept calling and calling and calling and not leaving a message. So I answered it, took a message, and then put it on silent. According to Floppy, I AM THE WORST WIFE EVER.)

In the morning, Jackson brings the baby by to see Sookie. This baby hasn’t caught on to how Hollywood works yet because he spends his whole scene staring at the camera like he’s an extra in Tommy Wiseau’s The Room. However, this baby is not nearly as crabby as Rory is when she sulks in for breakfast, acting all mad at her mother like it’s all Lorelai’s fault she decided to sample some married dick.

Sookie flags Lorelai down to tell her how happy she is that Luke and Lorelai had sex on the table people are now eating off of. Lorelai destroys Sookie’s world by telling her there was no sex. Everyone is sad.

Crying Mulder is the best Mulder (X-Files returning in January OMG OMG OMG I will sob through every episode I am so happy I have X’s for eyes I am now dead.)

Lorelai corners Rory before she leaves and gives her a big “WHY AREN’T WE TALKING LIKE FRIENDS???” speech. I don’t know…because you’re her mother? Because Rory is so used to everyone in her life (especially you) praising her for everything she does she can’t handle it when people tell her she seriously fucked up? Because somewhere in Rory’s mind she thought you’d actually be HAPPY that she slept with Floppy?

(Side note about the Taylor shoe plot – Taylor’s a 6 1/2 narrow? In what fucking world? This shoe?

This is at least a men’s size 12 (if not a 13). Fuck you and your 6 1/2 narrow bullshit, show.)

Lorelai calls Luke to talk about their kiss. Lord, these people and their incessant talking. Do you need to talk about it? Does it warrant a phone call? HAS NO ONE ON THIS SHOW EVER HEARD OF PLAYING IT COOL?????

NOPE! Rory calls Floppy and has him meet her at Miss Patty’s. Instead of talking about how they’ll never fuck again, they fuck. GOOD JOB, RORY. Then she tells Lane about the sex, and Lane thinks it’s romantic or some shit because they are both immature idiots.

There’s a lunch with Judgy WASP Mom where Rory decides to run off to Europe for the summer. Better than staying in town and fucking Floppy, not as good as running off to New York to have sex with Broody for a summer. Who knew Broody would ever be the better option?

This Britney scene with her cheating dick of a husband is disgusting/heart breaking:

Notice how almost every scene with Britney Spears circa 2000 in this episode she’s dressed in white or a light color? Are we signifying her innocence? The polo Rory wears for the majority of the episode, on the other hand, is grayish.

Rory and Judgy WASP Mom go to Europe. Luke has to go help his sister and her weird tights-loving husband out with Ye Olde Jewelry Boothe due to both of them breaking limbs in a car accident. They talk on the phone because LUV.

Do I like where this season is headed? Unsure?