I told myself I was done reviewing this show. I obviously lied to myself.

There was a bunch of online fuckery last week that left such a gross taste in my mouth that I swore I wasn’t going to review the show again. The incident doesn’t really deserve anymore air or attention, but here’s a basic rundown of The Fuckery:

• People on Twitter make jokes about a fictional character. They do not attack the actor or tag them in the jokes.
• Actor sees jokes by clicking on a trending topic, gets a big sad
• Article is published (that everyone and their mother retweets) about how fans are just so MEAN and should T.H.I.N.K. before they post.
• The WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY weighs in and says all these people – people who didn’t do anything but engage with a fictional property exactly like the show intended them to do – are people with “poisonous venom” running through their veins.
• Through all of this, the very people calling for “kindness” never once stepped in to say “oh shit, this was all a big misunderstanding!” and they allowed a bunch of regular people to endure online harassment for the crime of making memes about a fictional character.

Obviously, directing abuse at actors for playing characters is wrong, fucked up, and should never be tolerated. But that’s not what happened here. In the days since this occurred I have seen exactly three tweets tagging the actor and they were all like “Hey, your character is trending!” I have not seen one hateful tweet aimed at the actor themselves (and I’ve looked.)

Look, all feelings are valid. But this doesn’t mean that those feelings shouldn’t be examined and looked at critically. Maybe looking at why jokes about a character that you played – not jokes about you, jokes about the character – made you feel a certain way should have been step one before tagging the White House Press Secretary about mean fans.

This whole thing left such a bad taste in my mouth for SVU (which, let’s be honest, I haven’t cared about in years) and OC (which I LOVE.) I wasn’t going to review OC anymore because you can’t just unlink SVU and OC due to the history between the characters, and why bother giving a show that will turn on you for engaging with it the way it wants you to any energy or attention if it’s going to throw you under the White House Bus because no one pulled the sad, rich white lady aside to explain a meme? But then Stabler starts talking about The Count of Monte Cristo and decides to bang a mob wife and I’m right back here with my THOUGHTS and OPINIONS.

I am as disappointed in myself as you are in me.

Anyway. Let’s hope what I wrote above doesn’t end with someone tweeting at the Pope about what a mean bitch I am. On with the show.

We begin with Stabler at the diner gifting a copy of The Count of Monte Cristo to the waitress, Rita. Stabler taking a paternal interest in this girl is very sweet (and a reminder that he has always been a man who wants to protect children.) I also wonder if his kindness towards Rita is a kind of “pay it forward” thing as he is also someone who moved to a country where he didn’t know the language, the culture, or the customs. Maybe someone there was kind to him and helped him to learn Italian without judgment.

Besides Stabler’s kindness (which seems to be in short supply these days) the crux of this exchange is what made me whore myself out for this show and write about it again. And that is what happens as Stabler is describing the plot of The Count of Monte Cristo.

As I said before, this show did not just pick this book for the fuck of it. There is a reason they’ve chosen it and it seems that Stabler truly connected to the story of Edmond Dantès. He tells Rita that the story is about a man who had everything, “the perfect job, and the girl of his dreams, but there are people who are plotting against him.” Hmmm…is this A CLUE as to why Stabler left (and maybe even why he’s back?)

Does Stabler see himself as a modern day Dantès – a man who had everything but it was taken from him due to forces outside of his control? There are certainly a lot of similarities between Stabler and Dantès. Both were average men who may not have had a lot of money but they were rich in other ways – They had romantic love and they loved what they did for a living. They both had an unexplained hiatus that separated them from the women they loved (and left both women shattered and confused.) They they both returned one day with little to no explanation, both with an unknown agenda and a wardrobe they could never have afforded a few years earlier.

Dantès emerged as the Count of Monte Cristo and came back to his old life as a changed man. He was smarter. Richer. More cultured than the original Dantès ever could have (or would have) dreamed of being. Stabler has also come back as someone who has been markedly changed by his time away. During SVU 1.0, Stabler talked about his credit cards being maxed out and barely being able to put more that $50 a week away for the kids’ college funds. (And that was back in the late 90s/early aughts – that Elliot Stabler in 2021 wouldn’t even be able to afford a one-bedroom apartment in Queens, let alone a whole ass house.) Elliot Stabler 2.0 seems to be rolling in cash if he can afford that gorgeous apartment in Manhattan – private security pays very well so I bet he made more money in his first two years than he did in his whole career at SVU.

As I said in my very first review – Stabler 2.0 is Stabler With Culture. He speaks fluent Italian, he wears bespoke suits instead of his off the rack Sears Specials, and he talks about classic literature with diner waitresses. This Stabler (when he’s not undercover as Eddie Ashes) looks like he smells expensive, not like Original Stabler who looked like he smelled like whatever cologne his daughters saved up to buy him for Christmas.

Given all of this, it stands to reason that Stabler, just like Dantès, left his former life under some form of duress. The million dollar question is what was it that made Stabler leave in the first place? Dantès was arrested and tossed into the Château d’If because his jealous rival wanted him out of the way. If the comparison between Dantès and Stabler holds, who wanted Stabler out of the way? And why? I personally think former SVU villain and inexplicable Olivia love interest Ed Tucker had something to do with it but only time will tell.

(Watch the show come out and say they actually picked this book because it’s the only book that is close to the name of a diner sandwich and I just spent hundreds of words writing about the similarities between Stabler and Dantès for nothing. I am the definition of a clown.)

Later, Stabler is playing poker with Reggie and some other Assorted Goons in a secret club. Meloni is doing a lot in this scene before he says anything – he’s rocking back and forth and moving his chips around the table, almost as if Stabler needs to try to diffuse his urge to jump into the conversation through physical movements. It doesn’t work because he’s quick to tell Luca, the Jerk Goon, how the Italian crime families got away with stealing from the IRS. It doesn’t seem to dawn on Stabler that Eddie Ashes, who is supposed to be Just A Slab Of Muscle Who Sets Fires, wouldn’t have that kind of knowledge about the operation.

The next morning everyone is back at the diner for breakfast and Stabler busts Luca’s face wide open after Luca is a jerk to the waitress. When he explains this to Bell later he’ll say that Luca was questioning his loyalty. He wasn’t. He was questioning who Eddie Ashes really is, but that didn’t actually matter to what happened in the scene. Luca is a disrespectful punk who got mouthy and Stabler, a man with a chip on his shoulder around people underestimating his intelligence (and who doesn’t tolerate bullies), wasn’t going to stand for it. During the poker scene, Luca basically calls Eddie a small-thinking moron who is a bad judge of character. Stabler, who can’t seem to tell where Eddie stops and Elliot begins, (LOT OF THAT GOING AROUND THESE DAYS) took it personally. He was just looking for an opportunity to break Luca’s face, which is why he didn’t stop to figure out whose face he was breaking. Again, he is a terrible undercover operative.

Meanwhile, the OC task force, led by Jet and her hacker…love interest?…bust a dude who sold all the Magic Phones the K-O and uses Malichi to sell them phones that will BCC the cops on every text sent by the bad guys. (If this was actually a thing we would not have any crime in the world.) I kind of love that the hacker kid is into Jet because she’s smart and capable…but he’s also giving off a little bit of a creep vibe? I really hope he doesn’t hurt her (mentally or physically) unless she’s into that kind of thing.

Because Stabler cannot resist breaking faces, he’s called to Kosta’s office for a meeting. It’s really nice that all these dudes schedule their murders like corporations schedule Zoom meetings. Before he Dies Forever, Elliot “I Hate Shirt Buttons” Stabler goes to his sick apartment to Fondle Mementos, hug Eli, and call Olivia (who does not take his call.)

Look at this fucking place:

The sound you hear when Elliot hugs Eli? That’s the sound of Dickie Stabler and his daddy issues jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge.

I guess I should talk about the voicemail that Elliot does not send to Olivia (and no, I don’t believe he sent the message. If the show decides to do a #DidTheMessageGoThrough marketing campaign, I hope we can all collectively ignore their obvious baiting bullshit.) He calls to thank her for everything she’s done for him and the kids, and then he says “When I said that I love you, I think you know-” The internet thinks this was supposed to be some sort of Declaration of Undying Love. I do not think this. I think Elliot was finally going to explain that he meant it in a “friends” way. I’ve already talked about how I no longer believe EO is Endgame, and then with Dick Wolf coming out with an interview where he basically says they’ll never get together, I’ve pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I will never see these two kiss. (I HATE that I feel that way after being so fucking excited for endgame. Can we go back to when I didn’t feel like the nerdy girl the hot, sexy TV show only talks to when they need to look good in front of the network? Can we go back to when I really believed these two nearly AARP-eligible detectives were going to finally admit their love to each other and retire together to some cabin in Maine?)

Stabler does not get a bullet between the eyes care of one Jon Kosta, and it’s because Albi put in a good word for him since Stabler has kept the secret of his sexuality. Is it a good idea to basically spit in the face of Albi saving his life by sleeping with Albi’s wife? Stabler seems to think it is!

Stabler has to atone for his bad deeds by robbing a bar where some dude is keeping cash bets on an undercard boxing fight. During the robbery, Stabler shoots a bouncer because, why not? We’re in for a penny, in for a pound (which is basically what the title of the episode means.) Stabler is horrified by what he’s done, but he’s hanging on to Elliot Stabler by a thread and this is what breaks his connection to his former self. He IS Eddie Ashes now. Elliot Stabler is gone and we don’t know when he’s coming back.

So, before I wrap this up let’s talk about Flutura and The Sex.

I do not for one second believe Flutura when she says that Albi is out of town and she has no idea when he’s coming back. I think everything we’ve seen of this woman up to the point where she shows up at Stabler’s RV has been part of a plan. I don’t think Flutura had any intention of sleeping with Stabler when he came over to her house – I think she was inviting him over so Albi could bust in and find them making out. Why? I’m not exactly sure but I do believe that this woman is with Albi because she loves him. Maybe this little ruse where she turns on the sex appeal and gets some poor idiot to come over for a drink so Albi can catch them is the only time Albi pays any real attention to her. Maybe him beating the hell out of whoever is kissing his wife makes her feel like he really does love her – even if he never shares her bed.

The reason I think the whole thing at the house was a set up (beside the fact that Albi fucking called her while Stabler was sitting on her couch) was the change in her demeanor between all her other interactions with Stabler and how she acts when the tables turn and he becomes the sexual aggressor.

Every interaction before the RV she’s tossing sexual barbs that she knows won’t be returned in the moment. She’s laying it on thick because she can – she knows that Stabler (Eddie…whatever) won’t make a move when they’re in a place where they can get caught. She has all the time in the world to snag him in her little net and pull him in for the final showdown when Albi comes home. But Stabler ruins it by drugging (!!!!!! WHAT ARE WE DOING????) her and escaping before Albi shows.

When they’re at the RV, he turns the tables on her when he starts pushing her backward toward the RV. I’ve watched this scene three times now and there’s no mistaking it – she’s nervous at the beginning. She’s unsure. The sex they have is consensual, but I think this is new territory for her. This may be the first time she’s ever cheated on – or tried to cheat on – her husband without knowing he was about to burst through the door.

Side note – this show knows EXACTLY what it is doing by shooting Meloni taking his clothes off from her vantage point. Thank you, show. Thank you.

Random Observations:

• A lekë is basically the Albanian dollar, so I’m reading this title as “for a few bucks more”…meaning Stabler’s already in this deep what difference does robbing a bar or banging the mob wife really make? (The answer is all the difference but that’s the core problem with this kind of thinking.)
• The wiki page for The Count of Monte Cristo states that the themes of the book are “hope, justice, vengeance, mercy, and forgiveness.” I think it’s important to keep that in mind as the series progresses.
• During the poker scene Luca drops a slur for Italians that I haven’t heard in a very long time. The show also dropped a slur for gay people last episode – they’re really leaning into the “it’s after 10 p.m.!” of it all.
• I really (really really really) love whenever Stabler breaks a dude’s face.
• This is Stabler’s EIGHTH SHOOTING. EIGHTH!
• I really hope we don’t get a “Eli isn’t Elliot’s biological kid!” storyline but I still cannot get past the fact that Eli is the only Stabler with brown eyes. (We all know that Elliot would say blood doesn’t matter and Eli is his son because he raised him, right?)
• Petition to have Meloni growl his way through the rest of the series, please. (Seriously, him saying “my reputation” when talking to Kosta is…wow.)
• Flutura, honey, I realize you were trying to lure Eddie into your seductive web but did you have to throw what looks like lace granny panties on this man?
• Do we think Flutura and Albi ever consummated their marriage? I’m thinking no. I feel like Stabler thinks the same thing and the moment she says her and Albi couldn’t have kids he’s like “oh, so you never fucked…which in some weird Man Logic way means it’s totally ok for me to fuck you even though you’re married.”
• Flutura’s a human trafficker. “Should we call in SVU?” Oh, Ayanna. Honey. You know you don’t have to ask Stabler that! He’s always going to say yes! If it were up to him he’d call in SVU to help fill out paperwork to buy office supplies.
• People on the internet are like “did Stabler really fuck her???” Uh, yeah. He really did. And I bet had COVID not truncated the first season of the show, he would have fucked Angela Wheatley, too. (I’d say “Elliot and Olivia when?” but…)
• I would also like to point out that I fucking called Stabler fucking Flutura in my last review.
• The outfit Flutura wears to Stabler’s RV is literally one of the ugliest outfits I have ever seen in my life. Girl. Hire a stylist.
• The way this man backs this woman up against the RV is quite possibly one of the hottest things I’ve seen on TV in a very long time
• Meloni out here touching his scene partner’s faces like he’s John Travolta in Face/Off.

Quote of the Episode:

Style Corner:

(It is HARD out here without Meloni and his suits. I can’t wait for this arc to end.)