Spacey Grandpa is stranded in Akron (yeesh) so Rory and Judgy WASP Mom decide to cheer him up with an oil portrait. So now there are three kinds of people on the entire planet who still get their portraits painted – world leaders, members of royalty, and Gilmore girls. I hope they hire this guy:
We begin this episode with yet another trip to the diner and Lorelai wearing pink. frosted. lipstick. BUBBLE GUM PINK FROSTED LIPSTICK that matches her shirt.
If there is one thing I have learned from writing these reviews, it’s that there is always an appropriate Bianca Del Rio reaction gif.
EXT. BEACH – DAWN
JEN lies facedown on the beach, unmoving. Her clothes are tattered, her hair wet and matted. Blood trickles slowly from the corner of her mouth and drips onto the pristine white sand. This is it. This is the end.
Suddenly, dawn BREAKS on the horizon. The sun shines onto Jen’s face. Her eyes squint in response and she raises her face toward the restorative light.
JEN
(whispering)
It’s over…The Discount Braff wedding arc is over…
Joyful tears pour down Jen’s cheeks. She smiles. She’s made it. She’s survived.
FADE OUT
Dear TV Jesus:
I am a simple woman who does not ask for much – Everyone looking beautiful and utterly destroyed by life in Mad Men, actual dragons on Game of Thrones, BabyBruce and BabySelina sharing a smile in Gotham. I am easy to please. Today I break my prayer silence to ask that this episode of the Gilmore Girls be the last episode featuring the ridiculous Discount Braff wedding plot line. I will not spend time talking about how this plot line is a desperate attempt to keep Luke and Lorelai apart while the writers work out an actual story arc for Luke’s character. I will not mention how this plot line is a stunt that really should have been pulled in a later season in a desperate attempt to keep fleeing viewers from jumping ship. And I will certainly not point out, again, that Discount Braff is one boring motherfucker who I can barely picture having coffee with Lorelai let alone doing God’s Naughty Twerk with her.
In Broadcasting’s Name We Pray,
A-Mad Men.
The episode’s title either means that there will be no wedding night (YAY!) OR it means that prostitution/a Red Light District will somehow be involved. I don’t judge anyone for what they do in their bedrooms (as long as all parties are consenting adults!) but that seems a little risqué for a wedding night. But if that’s what Lorelai/Discount Braff are into…
Lorelai and Rory decide to go wedding dress shopping. I hope Lorelai has a better time than I did – my wedding dress experience was horrible because I am both fat and busty. Every salesperson who saw me walk in got that horrified “Oh no. Please no.” look in their eye. Then they hid in the back, lighting candles and leaving offerings to the gods while praying that I wouldn’t ask for help that they couldn’t give. You know how they say every bride is beautiful? That’s a god damned lie. After everything I went through to get a dress that didn’t look like a white sack with some pearls sewn onto it, I still ended up looking like a fatter, much uglier Kim Kardashian in that couch dress. Everyone at my wedding was like:
Somehow I made it down the aisle.
Last Ditch Effort 
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