The episode’s title either means that there will be no wedding night (YAY!) OR it means that prostitution/a Red Light District will somehow be involved. I don’t judge anyone for what they do in their bedrooms (as long as all parties are consenting adults!) but that seems a little risqué for a wedding night. But if that’s what Lorelai/Discount Braff are into…
Lorelai and Rory decide to go wedding dress shopping. I hope Lorelai has a better time than I did – my wedding dress experience was horrible because I am both fat and busty. Every salesperson who saw me walk in got that horrified “Oh no. Please no.” look in their eye. Then they hid in the back, lighting candles and leaving offerings to the gods while praying that I wouldn’t ask for help that they couldn’t give. You know how they say every bride is beautiful? That’s a god damned lie. After everything I went through to get a dress that didn’t look like a white sack with some pearls sewn onto it, I still ended up looking like a fatter, much uglier Kim Kardashian in that couch dress. Everyone at my wedding was like:
Somehow I made it down the aisle.
I started off the day with the Gilmore Girls theme song stuck in my head. As the day progressed, it became the Golden Girls theme and then, to my never-ending shame, the Friends theme song. To try to rid myself of that horrible Friends theme, I actively tried to switch back to the Gilmore Girls theme. I can’t! I can’t remember it now! It’s like the suck of that damn song has shorted out my memory! (But I can still remember the Golden Girls theme. If the Golden Girls theme was on American Horror Story: Coven, it would have become the Supreme.)
Time for Judgy WASP Mom to go antiquing in Stars Hollow! I hope she buys Miss Patty’s discarded drums and dances nude atop them for Spacey Grandpa.
There are no baby pictures of Lorelai because she had an abnormally large head as a baby. She was unsightly, which was probably the one and only time anyone will ever write that about Lorelai Gilmore.
Rumor has it that she looked like this:
There are things in this life that we as humans wait for. Our first kiss. Our first sexual experience. Godzilla. We stand on the shore waiting for that fateful day when the thing we’ve always wondered about will crest the horizon and BE. What will it be like? Will we like it? Hate it? Be disappointed? This is the true meaning of life.
This time, the Gilmores are the ones standing on the shores awaiting the Unknown. They’re awaiting…Spacey Grandpa’s mom, Lorelai the First (who must be about 1000 years old.) She will descend from the skies and bring with her…delicious tea cookies? Jaunty hats? CORGIES??????
Whatever it is, Judgy WASP Mom sure as hell won’t like it.
One thought on this episode’s cold open – what kind of kid writes on legal pads in high school? Shouldn’t Rory be angling for a fancy Five Star notebook? Or a poor child to follow her around and take notes for her like all the rest of her rich buddies have?
We open this episode with Rory in English class with a Zach Braff knockoff teacher. If I’m not mistaken, Rory had English class back in episode two with an older professor who looked nothing like a guy who got lost in New Jersey once and thought he needed to write a coming of age story about it starring himself and Natalie Portman. I’m guessing original English teacher got fired because he, I don’t know, showed his dick to the lunch lady? And Lunch Lady was like, “That’s not organic!” and threw a frying pan at him. Her aim was true, he ended up in the hospital, and now Zach Braff works at Chilton.
Last Ditch Effort 
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